my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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