he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
worst night to have a conscience
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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