Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
