can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
