On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
