I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
