I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
