Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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