you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
