my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
