im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
