My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
