My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
