i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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