i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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