Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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