I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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