I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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