He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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