And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
