Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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