if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
