I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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