does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
