Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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