Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
