How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
