oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
