Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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