i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
zippers are such a cool invention
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize