Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.