so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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