I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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