I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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