I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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