who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
