I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
