if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
even my farts smell like vagina
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
