Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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