does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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