How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As shirtless as possible
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
