So drunk its hurt
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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