You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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