i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The best revenge is premature balding
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
