im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
