Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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