she was so not down for the gang bang
from now on my penis is your penis
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
