I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
