I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
4 words: hood of his car
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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