meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
