took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
