I cut my penus on the lid.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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