I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
