You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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