i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
